HAVING A VOICE IN RELATIONSHIPS: Speaking Up In Love

Where Petals Unfold, Hearts Flourish

Hey Lilies! Having a voice in a relationship is not about who can speak the loudest, it’s about being courageous enough to express your needs and values and about setting boundaries. Keeping quiet to maintain peace, only builds a fragile and emotionally unhealthy relationship. Healthy relationships need free and honest communication.

Let’s talk about finding your voice and setting boundaries. This is a process of differentiation – staying connected to your partner, while remaining firm in your own identity.

Staying silent breeds resentment and makes room for more problems. Before speaking, identify what is actually important to you. Ask yourself: “Why is this significant to me?” and “What do I deserve in this situation?” If you don’t talk about what makes you happy or unhappy, you leave room for your values to be viewed as being unimportant to you.

Creating a safe Space

A voice can only flourish in an environment of emotional safety. Both parties must contribute to this. Enforce limits, state boundaries clearly – for example, “It is not okay to yell at me during an argument” – be prepared to stand your ground. While you are not guaranteed to always get your way, having a voice ensures that you are heard and respected as an equal in the relationship.

A healthy relationship requires maturity and consideration among other things, to produce longevity; these two elements are imperative especially in instances of differences of opinions. When serious problems arise, direct communication is more beneficial than passive kindness. Each individual needs to feel comfortable expressing themselves and need assurance that their opinion matters and that it will be heard and respected. Our differences should be seen as the ingredient that adds flavor and balance to the relationship, not as a threat to the other’s need for control and dominance.

TIPS ON COMMUNICATING NEEDS AND FEELINGS EFFECTIVELY

1. Use ‘I’ statements
2. Practice active listening
3. Set clear boundaries.

HERE ARE SOME “I” STATEMENTS

1. Instead of: “You never listen to me”.
Try: “I feel unheard when I’m sharing something important and you’re on the phone. I would appreciate it if we could have 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to talk”.
2. Instead of: “You’re so selfish with your time”
Try: “I feel lonely because we haven’t had a date night lately. I really value our quality time and would love to plan something together this weekend”
3. instead of: “You don’t care about my feelings”.
Try: “I feel unsupported when my concerns are dismissed. I need to feel that my perspective is valued even when we disagree”.
4. Instead of: “You’re always late and it’s disrespectful.”
Try: ” I get anxious when you’re running late without letting me know. I’d really appreciate a quick text so I can adjust my expectations.”

One very effective way of ensuring that your needs are communicated effectively to your partner is to write them down. Writing your thoughts beforehand, helps clarify your points and keeps the conversation logical.

GROWING GRACEFULLY

Check out ‘Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No’ by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Keep growing, keep blooming!